that big dumb oaf Ron Artest says that old-man Kobe is the best player in the NBA, and the second best player is that slutty little Kevin Durant. When asked where I would stack up in that mix (not to mention my super talented and ridiculously hunky husband Dwyaney), Artest said “I only count to two. I’ve been out of school for 15 year, so I only count to two.”
Real funny, Ron! You’re about as funny as you are pretty, you ugly old bitch!
First off, Kobe doesn’t have a knee anymore. He’s lost one of them, because he’s so old. How can an old decaying man be the best player in the league? Might as well call Wilt Chamberlain the best in the NBA.
Secondly, that little tease Kevin Durant doesn’t impress me at all. Sure, he can score some points, but the dude is obviously an idiot. I had actually called him last season and told him to not sign with the Thunder so that when his contract is up he could come to Miami and play with me and Dwyaney and Lil’ Chris. Let’s see here… Awesome Miami where you can wear skimpy clothing and have all the hot guys check you out, or gross and dumpy Oklahoma City, where the people are no smarter or more beautiful than they are in Cleveland. Not much of a choice there! …
You know what he said? “No, LeBron. I want to win one on my own and cement my status as one of the all-time greats. I don’t want to ride some other players to a ring. That makes the ring worthless. I’m looking to become part of something bigger than a tarnished ring collected from collusion and delusions of self-grandeur. If you call me back, I’ll tell Stern that you’re trying to rope me into your stupid antics like you’ve done with Chris Paul.”
Can you believe that? What an idiot. He could have had so many rings.
Anyway, I’m glad Kevin didn’t decide to come to Miami, not just because he’s an idiot. I feel like Dwyaney thinks that he’s gorgeous. Sure, he would never admit it to me, but whenever we’re watching that slut Kevin, like during the world games this past summer, Dwyaney is always like “Oh, wow, that Kevin sure has a nice jump-shot” and “It doesn’t look like Kevin ever fakes an elbow injury at all.”
Needless to say, Dwyaney slept on the couch that night. He gets no lovin’ when he’s checking out other players, even if it’s just their basketball skills.
But regardless, NBA Champion Dwyane Wade is the present and the future of the NBA. Kobe is the past. The list of the five best players in the NBA is set in stone:
- Dwyane Wade
- LeBron Wade
- Chris Bosh
- Chris Paul
- Zydrunas Ilgauskus
I just realized that FOUR of the five best players are on the Miami Heat! Suck it, Artest! This will be proven out when the Miami Heat start a streak where we definitely win at least 6 straight NBA Championships, starting this year!
Kisses! -Bronnie Wade
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