The Miami Heat may have just gone a long way towards solving their problems down low on the court. The team has suffered from a lack of depth and physical presence at the center and power forward position.
This past week, however, the Heat have found a loophole in NBA rules which allows a team to add a mascot to the roster without subtracting another player and with no impact to the salary cap. “Burnie”, the Heat’s mascot, has been seen practicing with the second team for the last 5 days, rotating in and out at both the 4 and the 5.
“He’s got a lot of size with the costume on,” Pat Riley told reporters. “He measures about eight feet tall. I think we’ll be able to use that kind of size to establish a bit more presence in the middle.”
An archaic NBA by-law from the late 40s states:
‘(10.4.8.14) Due to the nature of the combined National Basketball League and the Basketball Association of America in the nation’s cold war against the Soviet Empire, and the morale boost that mascots provide to the people of this great nation, there may be times where a mascot can be inserted into a team’s line-up without regard to cost or the maximum number of players on a team. The positive impact on the national esprit de corps outweighs any potential weirdness or dysfunction of the flow of the basketball game.’
The rule has never been officially recanted, despite the fall of the USSR two decades ago. There was talk in 2001 about changing the law to address the threat of terrorism instead of the Soviets, but nothing ever came of the movement. … Read More
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Sorry, Cleveland! The Return of the Princess didn’t work out so well for your Cleveland Cavaliers.
But you all ticked me off. After all I did for you, you have the nerve to boo me?
And I noticed that you didn’t even retire my jersey?!?!
Well, now you better recognize, and this goes for the entire NBA, that if your team has a losing record, the Miami Heat will destroy you!
That’s our mission for the year; destroy bad teams in the NBA. I don’t care if you’re my former home-town, if you have more losses than wins, we’ll beat you by double figures, losers!
Philly, New Jersey, Minnesota, New Jersey again, Toronto, Phoenix, Charlotte, Philly again, Washington again, Detroit, and now Cleveland? Demolished them all!!!!!!…
Occasionally, we’ll beat a team with a winning record. Like the one time we’ve done so against Orlando. But that’s not really our mission this year, so the next time we played them it was okay that we lost. The important thing is to completely dominate teams with losing records.
That’s why I joined forces with my husband NBA Champion Dwyane Wade and our adopted son Christopher. So we could be the BIG 3 and show the NBA how totally bad-ass we are. Seriously, who could say anything different? We’ve shown the NBA what we do to teams with bad records, and where are all the haters now?
Crying. That’s where. … Read More
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Hey there, all my little Bronnettes!
If you haven’t heard, I’m bringing my family up to Cleveland this Thursday, for the first time since my fairy tale romance with NBA Champion Dwyane Wade was made public.
It’s been a long time, and I’m certain that any disagreement or bad feelings that have existed in the past have blown over. I’m just psyched to see some of my old friends and fans, sign some autographs, and challenge some of my old team-mates in an exciting game of full-court basketball!
I’m assuming they’ve retired my jersey. That will be cool to see. The ol’ #23, hanging in the rafters. It will also be cool to be back in a stadium where all of the seats are filled, to be honest. I’m working with the Heat organization on getting our fans to FAN UP a little bit, and I’m sure they’ll get there eventually, but playing in front of a full crowd? I miss that a bit. So that’ll be nice.
I’m glad that little slut Delonte won’t be there. I heard he’s playing over in Boston, and that he broke his wrist. Karma’s a grumpy bitch, Delonte! And so are you!
I have been reading that a lot of fans are considering showering me and Dwyaney with wedding gifts on the court. Strangely enough, many are thinking about giving us AA Batteries and food items from the concession stand as wedding presents. I would ask to please wait to present such items to us after the game, or send them to the Heat organization by mail. Don’t get me wrong, though I think batteries are a strange gift to shower a local legend with, I really do appreciate the thought. Chris is constantly running low on batteries for his toys and gadgets, and I have my own uses for batteries for when Dwyaney has his frequent “Boyz Night Out”. My own little toy, which I call “Little Dwyaney”, keeps me company during those lonely nights, and runs on AAs as well. … Read More
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On ESPN’s new nightly show, HeatCenter, Scott Van Pelt and Steve Levy breathed a collective sigh of relief on air as the Miami Heat defeated the Washington Wizards in Miami.
“The SuperTeam is back, baby!” Van Pelt exclaimed on air, loosening his tie and jumping up out of his seat. “All of the Big 3 scored at least 20 points! Wooooh!”
“What an amazing display of basketball!” Levy continued, while Van Pelt repeated his ‘Woooooh’s for so long that the producer of the show, Mike McAdams, obviously cut his microphone. “105-94! Absolute domination by the Miami Heat! It’s not too late for 73-9!”
Neither Van Pelt or Levy were understandable or coherent from then on. ESPN then cut to Rachel Nichols and Saul Palantonio, who were live from American Airlines Arena after the game. Nichols and Palantonio were making out with one another in celebration of the victory when the camera first cut to them, but they recovered quickly and professionally.
“Thank you, Scott and Steve!” Nichols screamed, though the arena was disturbingly quiet immediately following the game. “It was a playoff type atmosphere here all night, despite about half the seats being empty! Even now, I can barely hear myself speak with all of the celebration going on!”
The 5-11 Washington Wizards had explosive rookie John Wall injured on the sidelines for the game, and have yet to win a single game on the road this season. … Read More
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Hey everybody! I really love my new life here in Miami with LeMom and NBA Champion Dadwyane. Our record isn’t so good right now but Miami is cool and there’s a lot of other things to do than just boring basketball. I can always find cool animals like lizards and frogs in our back yard. Last week I found a cool looking snake that made a funny rattling sound when you shake it. I brought it in the house to show LeMom and Dadwyane, but they didn’t seem too like as much as I did. LeMom jumped on a chair and started crying hysterically. Dadwyane, yelled, “G** D*****, Chris! You stupid f**ker! Get that snake out the house! Are you trying to kill us all! You should spend time working on getting a f**king offensive rebound not out catching lizards and snakes you tall f**king waste of space!” … Read More
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Look, I know that “the Big 3” isn’t the most clever or original nickname for me, my husband NBA Champion Dwyane Wade, and Lil’ Chris Bosh. But I’ve been reading a lot on the internet lately where people have taken to nicknaming us “Bitches in Heat”.
That simply will not do.
It’s been a tough go early on, what with starting off with an 8-7 record. But there are plenty of reasons for that:
But what’s not going to help is a nickname like “Bitches in Heat”. I swear, I saw a fan in AmericanAirlines Arena that had a sign rooting for us with “Bitches in Heat Rule!” on it (Picture included in the blog)!
That is not an effective way to cheer us on. I must insist that people stop referring to us as the “Bitches in Heat”.
C’mon, Miami! Fan up! Show up to games on time! Win or lose, stay till the end! Don’t call us “Bitches in Heat”! FAN UP!
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Hey, ya’ll.
As a student of the game of basketball, I am constantly scouring the internet and the local paper to see how other teams in the NBA are performing. This morning, I was checking out how my friends over in Cleveland are doing while fixing up breakfast for lil Chris (Fruit Loops with chocolate milk) and Dwyaney (one pound of bacon and a pack of cigarettes).
Not bad, Cleveland. Not great, but better than I expected.
Consider the following “free and friendly advice” from somebody who knows that team pretty well.
What you need is to establish who on the team is going to be “the guy”. And by “the guy” I mean who is going to be the one to dribble the ball at the top of the key for 20 seconds and then charge toward the basket to either dish it out to a surprised team-mate giving him less than 2 seconds to do something with it or to jack up an irregular shot from wherever “the guy” happens to be. … Read More
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This year, all of the experts agreed that the Miami Heat would shatter the NBA record for most wins in a season. The Jordan-led Chicago Bulls hold the all-time record with 72 wins in 1995.
“They will break the single-season record. And I think they have a legit shot at the Lakers’ 33-game [winning] streak, as well,” NBA Analyst Jeff Van Gundy said. “They will never lose two games in a row this year.”
Van Gundy has recently altered his comment by adding “except for the 8th and the 9th game” to the last sentence.
His comments were repeated by the best minds in NBA coaching and analysis, and even when a specific number of wins was not given, the awe that basketball minds across the country held towards the new Superteam indicated a belief in an unprecedented season for the Miami Heat.
“You look at that roster, and you tell me where the holes are,” said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. It was assumed that Mr. Popovich prefaced that statement with ‘Besides an inside presence or any sort of point guard’, but that has not been confirmed as of the writing of this article.
The Heat are taking an unorthodox route towards establishing the greatest regular season in NBA history, however, by getting a lot of the (maximum) 9 losses out of the way early. The Heat have lost 4 games as of printing, with 10 games played. … Read More
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Hey, ya’ll.
Was just thinking about what a wonderful decision I made by marrying NBA Champion Dwyane Wade and becoming a part of the Miami Heat, along with our adopted son Chris Bosh.
I’m just so happy that I no longer have Superstar expectations riding solely on me. What a load off!
Things are going very well with the team. We’re 5-2, which is amazing!
Plus, I’m doing what I’ve always wanted: Assisting a handsome superstar to achieve a higher level. Let me run through the stats that my adorable husband Dwyaney is outperforming me on through the first seven games:
-Points per Game
-Offensive Rebounds per Game
-Total Rebounds per Game
-Blocks per Game
-Field Goals Made and Attempted
-Field Goal Percentage
-3-Point Field Goal Percentage
-Free Throw Percentage… Read More
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Hey, ya’ll. Basketball’s going really well and everything, but the family thing just gets better and better. I’m starting to think I’m a better mother and wife than I am a small forward! LOL.
Listen to this. Lil Chris was so bummed out that we had a game on Halloween night, that we decided to throw a surprise Halloween Bash the day after! We had it all set up before we even left for the game in New Jersey.
We had a cast of local actors waiting at the house dressed up as scary ghouls and goblins. We had professional decorators come and turn half of our mansion into a spooky haunted house. We hired a fake lawyer to come and say he was going to sue all of us on behalf of the NBA for our illicit collusion we took part in prior to joining up here in Miami (Dwyaney didn’t know about that one, either! He almost shit a chicken!)… Read More
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Miami Forward Chris Bosh, one of Miami’s Big Three, recorded his first single-double of the season in the Heat’s first win over the Philadelphia 76ers Wednesday night. A single-double is a statistic in basketball where a player achieves double figures in one area of the game, whether it is scoring, rebounding, assists, steals, or blocks. Bosh exploded for 15 points and 8 rebounds as Miami coasted for their first victory in the new era of Heat basketball.
“I really feel like I’ve picked up my game in the last 24 hours,” Chris boasted in the post game press conference. “I started slow in Boston, getting only a triple-single with 8 points, 8 boards, and one assist. But tonight, everything just kind of fell together for me and I felt totally awesome! The game slowed down, you know?”
Most of the members of the press certainly did not know what Chris meant, since none of us had ever played basketball, particularly not at the level Chris was talking about.
“I certainly expect that I’ll be getting a lot more single-doubles as we start learning to play better with the new scheme and new teammates,” Chris said confidently, before falling asleep in his chair. It has been a long night for him, and the adrenaline was obviously wearing off. Dwyane Wade came in and picked Bosh up and carried him off to a nap room that Miami has sectioned off in the arena…. Read More
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Reuters has learned that Mrs. LeBron Wade and his marketing company LRMR are in contract talks with Harper Collins publishing over an autobiography of Mrs. Wade and NBA Champion Dwyane Wade’s romantic history entitled Wade Into My Heart.
The story chronicles the courting, romance, and marriage of NBA Champion Dwyane Wade and the former LeBron James, from the perspective of the new wife and role-player forward of the Miami Heat. LeBron has since verified that he is seeking representation and publishing for the new project, and that Harper-Collins has shown interest.
“A lot of the things I do, I do to expand my global brand,” LeBron told us. “Apparel, Vitamin Water, things like that. But this is a true project of love… and passion. I don’t care if anybody reads this love story, it’s something that I had to do. I had to sit and write what I think is the most romantic story in the history of mankind.”
A sneak peak at one chapter revealed a horrific amount of sexual imagery, including romps in locker rooms over the previous few NBA seasons. The disturbingly graphic accounts of NBA Champion Dwyane Wade and LeBron meeting up for sexual trysts before and after games between the Miami Heat and LeBron’s former team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, will probably offend and alienate many potential customers.
“Don’t care about that,” LeBron responded. “This is what happened. I’m telling a story that needs telling.”
There are also reports that Miami Heat General Manager Pat Reilly was actually present during some of these “romantic” encounters years ago, potentially implicating the franchise in the illicit collusion that everybody knows occurred but nobody can prove. One (heavily edited) passage reads: … Read More
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Should I let someone write a script for me to read to make me look better?
Should I let Nike try to save my rep through slick marketing so that they can sell more shoes?
Should I continue to play the $100 million victim?
Should I make potato skins or jalapeno poppers for Dwyane tonight?
Should I continue to act like a diva?
Should I stop crying?
Should I act like these are my words, and not the words of a Nike marketing executive?
Should I fake another elbow injury?
Should I wear my lady wig during games?
Should I spank lil’ Chris when he acts up or won’t eat his vegetables?
Should I grossly misinterpret public reaction to my decisions?
Should I mention racism?
Should I throw powder up into the air like a big fairy?
Should I give my husband an HJ in the locker room?
Should I be an astronaut?
Should I show everybody how weak I am by making it obvious that all of this hatred is affecting me?
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Hey guys! Chris here. I just had some cookies and an Orange soda, so I was off the walls on a sugar-jump.
LeMom was getting frustrated with all of my energy, so she told me to go work on my rap-lyrics. We got a lot of positive feedback from the first verse of my rap song a couple of weeks ago, so I’m moving forward with it.
Here’s verse two.
Get yo’ Butt Out of the Kitchen!…
(Yeah)
(Hell Yeah!)
Whoa! Who are they? They look tough to beat!
That’s right, I’m talking about the ruff-n-tuff Miami Heat!
We play hard, work up a sweat, but we never cheat.
Throwing down dunks that’ll knock you off your feet.
Miami fans so excited, they jumping out they seat!… Read More
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Today Chris Bosh announced what he alleges is the new nickname for the three superstars who have joined forces for the Miami Heat.
Speaking exclusively to Sports Illustrated Kids magazine, Bosh told the world that their answer to the “Big Three” in Boston would be “The Three Basketballin’ Bears”.
“It came to me when Dadwyane was reading me a bedtime story a few nights ago,” Bosh told SI Kids, who posted the interview on their website. “I always ask him to put me and him and LeMom into the story as characters. We were reading Goldilocks, and I realized that there’s nothing scarier or tougher than bears, right?”…
NBA Champion Dwyane Wade and his wife LeBron could not be reached for comment as of this article’s release, so it’s unclear if they support the decision their legally adopted son has made. … Read More
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In an ESPN article, found here,
(http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/nba/news/story?id=5686339)
that big dumb oaf Ron Artest says that old-man Kobe is the best player in the NBA, and the second best player is that slutty little Kevin Durant. When asked where I would stack up in that mix (not to mention my super talented and ridiculously hunky husband Dwyaney), Artest said “I only count to two. I’ve been out of school for 15 year, so I only count to two.”
Real funny, Ron! You’re about as funny as you are pretty, you ugly old bitch!
First off, Kobe doesn’t have a knee anymore. He’s lost one of them, because he’s so old. How can an old decaying man be the best player in the league? Might as well call Wilt Chamberlain the best in the NBA.
Secondly, that little tease Kevin Durant doesn’t impress me at all. Sure, he can score some points, but the dude is obviously an idiot. I had actually called him last season and told him to not sign with the Thunder so that when his contract is up he could come to Miami and play with me and Dwyaney and Lil’ Chris. Let’s see here… Awesome Miami where you can wear skimpy clothing and have all the hot guys check you out, or gross and dumpy Oklahoma City, where the people are no smarter or more beautiful than they are in Cleveland. Not much of a choice there! … Read More
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Dear Bronnie,
I’ve been following you recently via your new blog, and I gotta say, I am impressed. I’ve always been a fan, but I also knew that there was something missing in the story of LeBron James. Part of it was the fact that you just don’t have “it” to get it done on your own. Superstars like myself, Michael Jordan, your husband NBA Champion Dwyane Wade, we can just tell if somebody’s got it. But the other thing that was missing was a strong man to carry you across the threshold and to the promised land.
You’ve done it all with grace and humility, along with a fresh dash of sass. I love it, and can’t wait to read more about you and your new life as the subservient wife of NBA Champion Dwyane Wade.
But really, the reason that I’m writing is that I’ve gone through some changes recently as well. Looking through your pictures, I find your hair absolutely stunning. I’ve been growing mine out also, and I’m just looking for any tips you might have to make my hair really pop. You’ve got incredible style, but there has got to be a secret to how your hair shines now. What product do you use? Who does it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Your fan,
Tom B
(My Response To Tommy)…
Dear Tommy,
OMG! I never would have guessed that the second hunkiest man in sports (next to Dwyaney) would write me for hair tips! This blog is worth the effort, just for that. … Read More
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In a deal rumored to exceed $20 million, Mrs. LeBron Wade has become one of the new faces of CoverGirl cosmetics.
Joining other divas such as Drew Barrymore, Queen Latifah, and Ellen DeGeneres, Mrs. Wade has however become the first male athlete to endorse any cosmetics line.
“We see Bronnie as a good fit in our crew of beautiful people that endorse our products,”
said Samuel Gifford, a marketing exec at Proctor & Gamble, the owner of the CoverGirl brand. “We were looking for somebody who could show America how resilient our product is, that our eyeliner can hold up even when hustling around the basketball court trying to help your NBA Champion husband win games. Even with all of that, Mrs. Wade will still look beautiful.”… Read More
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Yesterday, EA Sports released sample player images for their new release of the popular NBA video game franchise, NBA Live 2011. The biggest news however, was the inclusion of Mrs. LeBron Wade with the Miami Heat.
Games must be released prior to the start of each season and development timelines are tight. Gamers want the most up to date team rosters. All game franchises rushed to include LeBron and Chris Bosh on the Heat roster for this year’s release, but EA Sports was the only game to use Mrs. LeBron Wade, along with the name change and the physical alterations that the Heat forward has undergone since marrying NBA Champion Dwyane Wade.
EA Sports’ main competitor 2K Sports felt that there was no reason to change the appearance of LeBron for the game based on his off-the-court persona, saying, “Just because the guy likes to wear lady-wigs and dress like a woman in his private life, doesn’t mean he will not continue to be the picture of masculinity on the court. Our game consumers don’t want to play with cross-dressing sissy-divas.” … Read More
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